My Final Thoughts on Accommodating Special Requests When Entertaining
Sure, I’ll make you a vegan plate …. if you’re truly a vegan! Photo by @brookelark.
A while back, we had a nice back-and-forth on my Facebook page about accommodating special needs when entertaining. I also shared my French friend (Martine’s) thoughts on the topic. But lately, I started thinking about how I really feel, versus how I should feel about it all.
If I’m honest, I’ll say this: I will graciously accommodate your dietary request, but inside, I might be grumbling a bit. You won’t know it (because I’m a gracious host), but there will be a part of me that wishes I could have served what I most wanted to serve, and possibly what my other guests most wanted to eat.
Then there’s this: The more I think about this, the more I think it depends on the guest. I have a dear relative whom I’d try to cook for, often without success. Just when I'd think I'd nailed her restrictions, she'd still be unable to eat something I cooked (or brought to her house) because of something else I didn't know about her restrictions.
Finally, I started sending her the entire recipe of what I was going to cook and asking her if she could eat it. When she’d green light it, she’d eat it with gusto and she would be so appreciative. It was just so happy-making for both of us.
I was happy to do this, because I absolutely adore her and want to share meals with her as a way to remain closer to her.
Allergies? By all means, I’ll accommodate those. Vegetarian? Vegan? Yes, I can do it. But tell the truth: Are you actually a flexitarian who will eat meat or fish now and then when you feel like it? If so, I’m going to be more than a little annoyed if I accommodate your vegan/vegetarian menu and, when we go out a month or so later, you dig into a steak. Don’t make me deal with needs that aren’t really needs at all.
I don’t know. I get tired of, for instance, the low-carb people who insist that you cook low-carb for them, but when you go to their house, they pull out a huge flour-full, sugary cake they just had to try. The diet-du-jour people who want you to adhere to their quote-unquote needs, but don’t actually follow their special diet themselves when they don’t feel like it (e.g., when you all go out to eat together or when it’s their turn to cook). They’re happy to put you out, but a lot more flexible when it’s “on them” to figure it out.
My French Pork Stew // Blanquette de Porc. What I might serve this winter, if vegetarians aren’t coming to dinner.
And finally: If someone does accommodate your requests, you’d better show up. A few too many times, I’ve done a vegetarian (vegan, etc.) meal for a gathering, and the special-request guests cancel at the last minute. So there we all are—omnivores who would have truly enjoyed, say, my French pork stew on a cold winter night—eating a vegetarian meal that’s perfectly fine, but not truly what I would have served if I hadn’t been cooking for the vegetarians….who didn’t show up.
Is This Too Snarky?
Oh good heavens. Re-reading this, I’m afraid I might have put my dietary-restricted friends off a bit from accepting an invitation at my place. Honestly, I love you all and will do everything I can to make you feel happy in my home. Please come – if I’m slightly put out, I’ll get over it, because … I really do cherish you.
AS PROMISED: Some Options for Accommodating Special Diets.
I had some great ideas from readers of my Facebook page. I especially seeing guests chime in with ideas on how to make their hosts’ lives easier. Here are some highlights.
““Stick to heavy hors d’oeuvres with lots of options.””
For omnivores who occasionally cook for vegans, one reader, Deb, recommends the book “Vegan for Everybody.” She says: “I found a quinoa, black bean, mango salad that would be a really nice main course summer dish. I think I've made it using peaches instead of mango.”
“As someone who likes to have people over for dinner,” she adds, “I always ask about food needs, usually by suggesting what I might serve as a main. I certainly don't want to serve shrimp to someone with a seafood allergy! And I want my guests to have a good time. Armed with knowledge that they are gluten intolerant (or vegetarian, lactose intolerant, etc.), I can plan a variation of what I like to serve and eat.
““Include the menu in the invitation. Then see who RSVPs.””
“Sometimes if I know they have restrictions I don’t try to provide entire meal. I do my best but ask them to bring a side or meal to add that their family can eat…. Not sure if that’s rude but it helps, especially if people have picky kiddos or dietary issues they don’t want to discuss.”
— Courtney
““Good hosts try to accommodate their guests. However, the guest could make it easy to enjoy their company by saying, ‘I’m vegan, but I would be very happy to enjoy a green salad. May I bring enough for the table?’ or something like that.””
“While I can and will eat anything, I come from a family with a lot of food allergies. So my sister is vegetarian and gluten free, my mom is celiac, and my niece — lots and lots. I will aways do my best to make accommodations. That might not be the whole meal, but I’ll try to make sure everyone has something to satisfy them that isn’t just a side salad. Part of liking to entertain, to me, is making sure everyone feels included.”
— Jen
““I’m lactose intolerant and so are some of my kids. I don’t expect to be able to eat everything at someone else’s house, I just hope there’s a few things I can, and I never mind being asked to bring a dish or a few dishes that my kids will enjoy!””
“I make a big salad with fresh greens and avocado and cherry tomatoes, some cooked green asparagus, boiled baby potatoes hard boiled eggs, etc, arrange all on a big platter, top with thin slices of marinated roast pork or chicken breast poached in lemon or wine, squeeze some lemon on it and serve with a homemade vinaigrette on the side. Each person can take what they want. If they don’t eat meat, they serve themselves around it. I have french bread with the salad, then a cheese course and maybe a lemon tart for dessert. Everyone seems happy and I can get it all ready ahead of time-just assemble on a platter last minute. Voilà.”
— Brenda
Further to Brenda’s point, above, serve perhaps something like Richard Olney’s Salade Canaille?
““I think we all need to move to France. Europeans don’t seem to have the sensitivities to foods that Americans have. I blame it on processed foods and herbicide use.””
“What I eat has changed a lot as I have learned more about animal welfare and climate impact, and I see that as a good thing. I eat a lot more plant-based meals (so good!) and humanely raised meats. Through that, I’ve learned that there were a lot of amazing foods out there I wasn’t appreciating, so asking about guests’ preferences and dietary needs feels really natural. Then I dig in to see what I can find. It’s half the fun…creativity always starts with a mix of challenges and opportunities.”
— Ann
At last, here are my final thoughts:
A buffet of salads and a charcuterie platter is always a great option. These are from my cookbook, “Everyday French Cooking: Modern French Cuisine Made Simple.”
I have huge issues with migraines, with one issue being that I absolutely have to consume a major chunk of something nourishing (not potato chips!) by 7 p.m. every single night, or I'm in big, big trouble.
But I never make my host deal with this. I always offer to bring an appetizer -- that way, I know I can eat something substantial right away and I'll be fine.
For a lot of people, hosting is stressful, and having to worry about people's dietary issues on top of everything else can make it even harder. So, I say that if you, as a guest, can figure out a way to accommodate your own needs, do it. But if you can't, then by all means let your host know. I'd much rather my guest gives me a list of dietary preferences than to make a meal that goes uneaten.
It’s a back and forth between being a gracious host and a gracious (and grateful) guest. The best way I’ve ever seen it dealt with was with my host family on a high school exchange trip to Burgundy. Read the story here.
